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I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
Except that one where you’re naked in church.
Sometimes too much to drink isn’t enough.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It’s all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It’s all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
Tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory
I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
When you work here,
You can name your own salary.
I named mine, “Fred”.
Money isn’t everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let’s exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Don’t sweat the petty things.
Don’t pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

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